TAKE A BREAK (PART II)

LESSON 1

Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand,

" Listen," said the CEO.

" This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left.

Can you make this thing work?"

" Certainly," said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

" Excellent, excellent! ", said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine.

" I just need one copy. "

LESSON # 1 : NEVER, EVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING

LESSON 2

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA, when the American

turned to the Japanese and asked " What kind of -ese are you ? "

The Japanese, confused, replied : " Sorry, but I don't understand what you mean. "

The American repeated : " What kind of -ese are you ? "

Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.

The American, now irritated, then yelled : " What kind of -ese are you ... Are you a Chinese,

Japanese, Vietnamese !, etc......??? "

The Japanese then replied : " Oh, I am a Japanese. "

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he.

The American, frustrated, yelled : " What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I ?! "

The Japanese said, " Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee ? "

LESSON # 2 : NEVER INSULT ANYONE

LESSON 3

There were these 4 guys --- a Russian, a German, an American and a French,

who together found this small genie bottle.

When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.

Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle,

he said : " Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish.

When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become,

then your wish will come true. "

The French wanted to start.

He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted : " Wine ! "

The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.

The Frenchman was very happy, swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian's turn. He did the same and shouted : " Vodka ! "

and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted : " Beer ! "

He was likewise very contented with his beer-filled pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel.

He slipped towards the pool and shouted, " Shit !!!!!!!........."

LESSON # 3 : ALWAYS THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN !

LESSON 4

The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

Each organ took a turn to speak up.

Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.

Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.

Stomach.... I should be in charge because I process food for the brain.

Legs........ I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.

Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.

Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.

All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.

To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.

Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief

Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly

Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable

Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred

Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body

Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.

LESSON # 4 : NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE THAT IS TRULY IN CHARGE

TAKE A BREAK (PART I)

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk,and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull Sh * t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who sh * ts on you is your enemy .

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh * t is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh * t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!